I am a man made of metal, created to survive.
A secret weapon, at a secret base.
A monster made to save the human race.
This hole in may head only makes me more alive.
I am a bullet simply born to die.
A death machine you sell.
Who very soon could be an empty shell.
Oh how much I wish to fly.
The world is divided, and my fuse is lit.
I am released.
All hope has ceased.
I leave your world a bottomless pit.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hi White Rabbit,
The only part of this worth saving is the fourth line; maybe it's just the way it is worded, but one can imagine several existential conflicts taking place within the confines of a creature that thinks in such a manner.
However, the rest of it is just repeating junk. "I'm dangerous, I'll kill you. I'm dangerous, I'll kill you. I'm dangerous, I'll kill you. Surprise! I just killed you!"
First of all, if you want to say that, then do so in two lines, not sixteen; poetic space is a terrible thing to waste. Secondly, you have almost no conflict in this entire piece (I say "almost" because of the potential of that fourth line). If you want to get across any kind of meaning, you need to present it against a contrasted background. What would happen if you held up a white piece of paper against a white wall? The audience would see absolutely nothing. That's what is going on here, and what you need to change. Does the machine have doubts about its purpose? About humanity's purpose?
I'm skeptical that this poem can be fixed at all, but do try to write something a little more rooted in thought rather than "Boom boom boom, explosions".
Hope that helped,
Galerius
Hey!
I like the topic! An android made for mass destruction? Hmmm, interesting...
But as I read it until the end, that excitement of what the poem will be talking about was interrupted by the wrong choice of words. Polish a little. And you will have that poem turn to be the nicest! Good write.
Hey White Rabbit,
The last stanza has good sonic qualities and an excellent last line. The rest, however, was a bit stilted and repetitive. I would scrap the first two stanzas, keeping the last, and try and recreate the excellent flow you have in the last one, and the rhyme scheme. See what you could do with that, I think it would make this piece stronger, because at the moment the images in S1 and S2 are pretty stale and poorly constructed.
Interesting topic and perspective... I like it. c:
The rhyme scheme was tight and concise, and created a great flow for your piece. There was little emotion in this piece, but if there had been, I think it would have taken away from it. Overall, nice job.
Coral
Wow,first I have to say that I think you really figured out exactly how a person in this situation would feel. My teacher made us read poems like this last school year and I think in comparison to those this was truly believable. Congratulations on accomplishing a task that was so difficult. Keep writing! Because you are really good at it
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